Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Instability & New beginnings ..



I wish I could just open my mind and pour out what I have inside without having the effort to type it all here... But you know typing is energy... Thinking is energy... Uttering the words is energy... That’s why I feel a bit relieved after I finish a post...

Every time I begin writing something, I tell myself: “Will it be interesting?”... “Will it make sense?”... “Do I have a voice?”... “Will it help me to tell everything without fear?”... “Will I ever be heard?”... Although I believe that everything I learn in this life has a meaning... And although I always feel like I’ll be doing great things in life, some how I manage to get frustrated easily... Some ppl say that you gotta have positive energy to achieve what you want... But, is that really the case??!! .. What about destiny?? .. What about planning?? ..

Sometimes I tell myself: “Quit trying ... Quit dreaming ... Quit wishing for things that you’ll never have”... I keep fighting for things to happen and they simply don’t... I’m not saying that I’m not satisfied with my life, but I just wish for some happiness... My life isn’t that balanced like most people... For sure I have ups and downs like plenty of them do... But the point is that I’m the type of girl who keeps indulging everything that comes her way... Till one day, something collapses around her and she feels helpless... But again she stands and breathes and starts a new beginning...

My life is full of new beginnings... Nothing is stable... Nothing is really quite that interesting... But I make it interesting! .. I wake up each day and I tell myself: “This is your miracle! This is your day!”... I don’t expect much believe me... My demands are incredibly simple... A peaceful house, A life of my own, A caring spouse and A lovely place to live in... Above all, I dream of Freedom... Freedom of speech, Freedom of will, Freedom of thoughts, Freedom of words, and Freedom of choice …

I don’t like accepting the fact that my life will end up full of routine and obligations... There are several ultimate things in my life that I hate the most... Routine is one of them... Then comes ignorance, dishonesty, cruelty, inconsideration, boredom and shyness... when do you think my life will be exciting on its own? ... I wish to cheerful action for a change :) ... Pray for me that I do … Or don’t bother yourself to help … God’s willing, it will happen!


.. N.O.H.A ..

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Thy self ..




Strange how you can have several faces to your personality... Everyday you wake up you figure out something new about yourself... One day you find out that you can be so moody... The other day you start uttering a new word or expression like “Ezbot el ada2!”... You can even start up your day having the urge to scream out loud and you don’t know why...

Someone with my illness struggles to survive... not because of the daily stresses, but only because thy self becomes the ultimate struggle...

Maybe I shouldn’t be saying this and maybe I’m not supposed to be revealing the fact that I’m mentally ill... but actually after I knew this fact, I became relieved ..
I knew I’m not making things up... I knew that my intuition was right... I knew that I’m blessed more than eternally doomed...

The changes that happen to me are all because of that illness... The brain that I own is all because of this illness... The Intuition I have is also because of this illness...
For sure my life is not completely stable and for sure I’m that the ordinary girl you will find in the streets... Believe it or not, you may find me enjoying that I have this illness, as long as it will make me unique...

Although, no one sees much neglection as I do and no one experiences that moods I go through, yet somewhere deep inside of me, I’ve been always proud of whom I became to be...
Although, I hate myself most of the time and I’m usually reminded of how ugly my life is , yet somewhere deep inside of me, I’ve been enjoying the time I spend alone ..

Sometimes, I actually enjoy how people find it hard to get me and how they think that I’m all picky and complicated... But, I admit that when I experience severe betrayal, I bleed!
Drops of blood fall off of my arms like a suicidal hopeless human being …
Nothing is more dreadful than feeling that you are an endless giver with no gains...

Don’t think that I consider myself as a Saint or an Angel sent from above… I know I’m talking to myself and no one reads what I say every once in a while... I also know I’m not funny in my writings nor I’m trying to be all sweet and everything …

I just write to express myself... my own being... to feel alive and breathing...
Thinking, writing, posting, that’s what I usually do... People may find it desperate and pitiful, but I find it expressive and daring... I believe that not anyone can express what he/she had in mind... Not anyone can be so honest with thy self and try changing every single day...

I believe I’m not perfect either... Maybe I’m the most defective person you’ve ever met, but you never got the chance to really really know me...
Neither do I know what will happen in my days to come nor I intend to fly to the moon [although I’d die to do that :D lolz]...

All I know is that I’m alive n’ kickin’... Consider me pathetic... Think of me as a loser...

Whether you like it or not …
That’s me when I write and that’s what I have inside …

Learn the Art of Acceptance people! … Try not to be so ordinary every once in a while …


.. N.O.H.A ..