Wednesday, December 17, 2008

.. Mood Swings ..

It’s been a while since I felt my heart beeping... and I mean the real beeping... the “I love you, I love you, I love you” beeping... I won’t deny that I miss it... Yes, I really do... I miss the beeping and the swelling feeling that lifts u off ur feet... The chills that u feel when hearing a word uttering of ur lover’s mouth... You see, I tend to have some mood swings and feeling romantic is one of them .. Those love swings usually come crashing my heart every now and then, specially at nights... So, the only way I feed my hunger is by listening to couple of my favorite love songs and I picture myself in this cozy hut of my own doing nothing but enjoying the sweet voice of Frank Sinatra when he sings: “I’ve got a Crush .. My baby .. On you …..”

I know reality differs a lot from what I often imagine, but I love the thought that I maybe, just maybe, live this moment one day... Although Hope doesn’t knock on my door at this stage and will not do anytime soon, but I just can’t help it... These romantic urges slip slowly into my veins and kinda give me a magnificent tangible touch that manages to make me incredibly relaxed... I d
on’t know the secret behind all this; however I don’t care as long as it makes me a bit tender and lovable...

I don’t think people know this part about me and actually I’m not being open with people anymore... Like I stated the other day: “My heart is locked up and I’m lovin’ it !” I actually meant that it’s locked up towards everything and not just love... But, I suddenly found myself concentrating on this one thought that I’m loveless ! .. I’m loveless although that was my main w
ish through my entire life and I always thought that sooner or later I will end up in a happily ever after story... That’s how I survived along the years...

Somehow, my recent resolutions have been a lot firm lately and one of them was that I must try dreaming and just do nothing about everything... I just convinced myself that everything will come when it’s appointed to happen... I shouldn’t rush things and I’m really fine about the fact that I don’t talk much like before and that I don’t express my feelings .. I feel safer this way... No one will be able to figure out what I’m thinking of and as a result to that I’ll start feeling a lot calmer... And you know what?! I was actually right... I started to talk less and listen more... If I decided that I needed to talk, I would post something or even blog it... That’s way I’m relived and privately exposed somehow... I stopped waiting for people to ask about me the entire time and I simply call someone when I feel like it... Moreover, I started sticking up for myself and for the first time of my life, I found the peace that I’ve been looking for...

I know you might all think that I’m just running from facing my reality and I trap myself in my own little world... However, I really don’t care... All I care about right now is that I’m better off alone and that I’m a lot calmer this way... Maybe it’s not meant for me to be sociable like I thought I would be and it’s really fine by me .. I live with myself each day and that deserves work and dedication as well as anything else in life... So, I might as well enjoy it :) .. Believe it or not, we all do this... We all love being alone even if we admitted otherwise... Indeed, we look for company every where and every time, but also we love the fact that we have the last minutes before we sleep for ourselves because it’s the only real time that we honestly wonder about things that we enjoy or even about the dirty little secrets that we keep avoiding all the time... Still, they’re OUR secrets and we’ll always feel amazing if they are kept this way forever…

So, whether I’m feeling romantic or not, whether I’m feeling the worst headache ever, I always enjoy those mood swings even though they tend to be so harsh and sudden... But, that’s the only way I feel like living... When I feel, wonder, sway, or ever dream of the thoughts inside this crazy head of mine, I feel ALIVE !!

Enjoy your romantic moments people... Please don’t take it for granted... You don’t know how it can magically revive a desperate soul as mine...

.. N.O.H.A ..