Friday, June 5, 2009
I really wanna write, but unfortunately I'm not that fortunate in my topic this time .. All I really feel is that I wanna cry out loud .. I feel so heavy with thoughts and sadness, although I'm beginning to get a hold on myself.. But, that's really where my fear usually lies .. The moment I find myself able and strong again, it's exactly when I get hit by a disaster that shreds me into pieces ..
I can't sleep, although I'm really tired and sleepy.. How I long for company, for a real relationship ... even if it's a friendship .. I really miss having real friends and meeting up with new people everyday .. Although, I like being by myself more these days, but I do miss life .. I miss meeting up for breakfast or even having long conversations in a public place .. I miss having my friends coming over all the time .. I used to have lots of gatherings at my place .. I've grown to love the girly meetings I held every once and a while ..
Those gatherings were my delights .. I long for true people to deal with .. I long for meeting the real friends I have in my life whether through the net or outside it .. I miss having a real relationship with someone .. I miss receiving gifts and phone calls for the sake of me and not the ones who call .. It doesn't mean there aren't people who care for me .. Actually, I'm sure there are quite a few who are a bliss from god to me but, i feel so lonely .. I always feel so lonely ..
Why can't I just have a hug before I sleep?? .. Why can't I even feel my own mom's hug to me ?? .. I don't know why I don't feel so .. But, all I really wish for is to sob in someone's arms and stay there forever .. I feel like I'm missing out on chances that come here and there .. I'm still trapped in this empty cycle that never ends although I do my best to move on and get stronger .. and I admit I do get stronger, but I feel I'm becoming colder .. and that's the only way to survive the world I'm living in ..
Why can't I be recognized as a human being who have rights and needs as equal as anyone else ?? .. why can't they see me ?? .. why aren't I enough for them ?? .. what is it that makes me so easy to throw away with the slightest effort ?? .. when will I ever be good enough for anyone ?? ..
Is it my fault ?? .. I really can't get it sometimes ..
.. N.O.H.A ..