Monday, May 10, 2010

.. Confrontations ..

I confess .. I'm starting to have some weak points .. Lately, i can't seem to stand up for myself .. I find it hard to step up to the situation and say NO! .. But, God knows how much I try to motivate myself to stand what I'm facing ..

I know I'm not quite happy yet .. It's still not in the cards for me ..

I admit .. I freeze when I'm depressed .. I go through this phase of nothingness that I keep wondering how it comes and goes so rapidly .. Sub7an ALLAH, I even feel it's alarm when it's coming .. It's like I sense a dusty wind, coming ahead to make me blind for a few days, and maybe weeks ..

Unfortunately, I know I'm a moody person and I let it control me most of the time .. But, you can't imagine how much I long for appreciation .. Not just because I'm a Leo, but maybe 'cause I haven't had much love as I grew up .. I've had a happy childhood though, till the age of 8 or 10 .. Can't remember, actually .. I just know that I've grown up too early for my age .. I've always been premature and taking things way too seriously .. I wish I can lighten up, and I do succeed sometimes, but I end up all serious again in no time .. I was never like any other child I've known .. I had my own life and my own problems .. I agree that I'm a loner; that's how I've been living for over the past 20 years of my life .. And, I'm sure now that I'll never be comfortable around people for so long ..

I seek nothing from this post, but to confront myself .. I'm hoping I can change .. I'm hoping that I obtain better communication skills .. I know I've missed a lot and I have been through a lot because of that .. I just wish that I could be able to feel happiness .. I want life to have taste ..
May ALLAH have mercy on my soul and grant me harmony .. I seek only refuge from the Almighty!

.. N.O.H.A ..

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Hardships won't pull me down!

I've lived and went through many phases in my life .. Some which I regret and some I simply don't .. However, what really surprises me is my constant will for survival .. I truly thank God for that .. Despite all the anger and resentment, I've managed to overcome it somehow .. I think it's due to my constant prayers .. Yes, I do pray to God! .. It's the only thing that gets me through .. It's the only comfort I seek and it's the only genuine, comforting feeling I seem to gain .. I've lost all sorts of ways of emotional communication, yet that's the only true face of satisfaction I seem to have or even feel ..

It's funny how life became so tasteless, whether in food, meeting people, or whatever .. It's like a deadly virus has conquered your heart and soul without you knowing it .. I mean you already know what emotionally and physically happens to your body, but not to that extent .. That's when the pity runs crawling to your senses, eating everything that is have left in you .. Only then, comes the time for prayer .. The true desperation of someone so lost and so uncomfortable with his/her own life .. Somehow wherever you go and whatever you do, you can't help but think that "There is NO God but ALLAH (swt)" ..

I swear before you .. Nothing in this life, and I fully and utterly mean it from the bottom of my heart, is worth one moment of God's satisfaction towards us .. We're so helpless and weak, you can't imagine how much! .. Still, we're the strongest people on earth and we just don't entirely grasp that fact .. We're ONLY strong when God is on our side, yet we always struggle to accept it .. Sub7an ALLAH!

Again .. Despite all the anger and resentment .. Despite all the hardships I've conquered or still facing .. I'm thankful for the harmony in my heart towards the Almighty.. I hope you all do too ..
.. رضيت بالله رباً و بالإسلام ديناً و بمحمد نبياً و رسولا ..

.. N.O.H.A ..