Thursday, September 30, 2010
Stuck in Both Worlds
I miss my pen! .. I miss the old-feel of it ..When everything felt so genuine and so pure .. When I didn't care much about someone/something .. When all I had, was some boy-troubles and a mis-understanding with a friend .. When slam books/scrap books existed to open your heart to the world and teach you that your friends aren't all cute as they seem to be .. When all you dreamt of, is to grab the attention of your crush, hoping he/she would just notice you and maybe smiles at you for a bit .. When songs were really good .. When every feeling was intense and out of this world ..
I feel like I'm trapped in 2 worlds; the teenagers' phase & the adults' phase .. Never lived this, nor that .. I have this constant one-on-one conversation with myself of, "Why I can't live my life like any normal creature" .. In other words, "Why haven't I, still?" ..
Every once in a while, I wake up to find myself completely the same .. I haven't changed much I suppose .. I dress the same, I talk the same, I (maybe) think the same .. I even write the same!! .. I live in a constant looping phase that marks the exact timing of events .. I even freak out the same! .. I tend to have those couple of days each month or so, that sustains me in a hibernating mode for a week or so .. I can't talk, I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't eat..... I just live in a total "BLAH" phase .. Everything feels so numb .. The world may crash and burn outside, but you're still thinking of one thing; "I'm a Loser!" ..
I know I complain a lot and I know, obviously, no one loves to hear my complaints .. But, I just don't care .. I really do not .. It's what made me write in the first place, "My Complaints" .. It's the reason why I started a blog .. I just wanted to be heard .. I just wanted to state that life isn't that bubbly .. Life is a mess, at least mine is .. I have a messy mind and that's simple how it is .. I live in a disarray kind of mood 75 % of the time, and it's okay ..
For those who think I'm objecting by my complaints, I'd like to clear out one thing: "I do not complain for the sake of complaining.. I'm trying to beat the little voices in my head by talking about it" .. And, since human beings failed in the process of "listening," I decided to write it down for ME, not for YOU!
I'm sure you all wonder why am I so defensive, then .. Again, I'M NOT! .. I'm just clearing out this matter; call it "elaborating," or whatever .. Just try to accept me for who I am; I'm not an angel myself, you know .. It's my right too .. It's my right to scream and curse, and have nervous breakdowns .. It's my right to have doubts and get a grip on myself again .. It's my right to filter the decisions I've made in my life and has turned me into a useless piece of meat ..
Whether you like this post or not, I wish you the gift of acceptance, the bliss of kindness, and the blossom of broadness .. You may not handle me as a human, you may not agree with me most of the time, you may find it irritating that I shut myself up every now and then, you may not admire what I do with my life .. But, out of respect, please let me live .. If you feel like presenting a statement to me about my condition (and maybe advice me for the greater good), try to be honest about it .. It's really tiring to find that amount of indrect people, living around you ... Don't mock me, don't underestimate me, don't act like you know me, and most of all don't ever thing that you know better.. cuz you simply don't :)
And, one more thing.... Life is already complicated, don't throw your shit at others' faces and expect them to take it forever! .. Believe it or not, they'll come alive one day, then you'll taste some of it ..
Good day :)
.. N.O.H.A ..