It's blurry every where I go .. It's dark .. it's empty and it's shallow ..The disorder is eating me alive .. I keep fighting, wresliing, gaining nothing but bitterness and sadness .. There's no way out .. It's very hard this time .. Everything feels so numb, so out of life .. Crawling is the word, fatigure is the act, my mind is the place ..
This upper box of mine needs some cracking, some banging, some breaking ..
These thoughts of mine needs some elimination, enervation, starvation ..
Lots of work to do, constant headaches and stomach aches ..
Deeply falling, hardly rising and eternally confusing ..
I don't have to make any sense, I know .. Just venting is my way to go ..
Pain eats me, death awaits me .. with no one 'knowing how' to save me ..
Sorry for myself is the word, constantly crying is the act, and my mental sanctuary is the place ..
.. N.O.H.A ..
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Laying in my bed with thoughts of shattered dreams and longing for the tenderness I've missed so much for too long, I deeply call for a prayer that would change my life for eternity. I keep asking myself this question every time I watch "Finding Neverland." Does it really exist? Will it be possible for me to live a magical life of adventures and mystical delights? What do I have to do to bring back the skill of imagination I've lost?
Peter Pan had to think of happy thoughts to make it through his childhood. He blocked away all the sorrows of lonliness and poverty. He lived a much simpler life of good and evil. Everything was clear, daring, and exciting. He had friends, he helped others, and he managed to bring happiness to everyone who had ever heard of him. Isn't this what life is about? Aren't we supposed to be surrounded by people who care for us in every aspect of every day? Don't we enjoy the pleasure of giving and charity?
It seems to me that Neverland is a place of hope, a place of new chances, a place of enchanting possibilities. It occurs to me that the Arabian lands were once better than Neverland. I know for a fact that there were times when everyone enjoyed their lives. And yes, it was only earth, not heaven. Why did we stop having this dream? Why is it so hard to bare the thought of being great again? Why do we keep pulling ourselves down, thinking of nothing but hatred and sufferings?
Have we forgotten what it's like to dream? Hope had to leave us for a reason; we didn't deserve such gift for it to stay. Why is it, that we think of every passionate person to be gay nowadays? Is it because they're faking it? Or, is it because we simply envy them for the one thing we all long for, but do not wish to admit of missing?
Life has become so diverse, and so have people. Fear, anger, and anxiety have become a requirement for you to survive. If you still trust someone, then you'll definitely be known as being naive.
I dream of Neverland. I dream of the heaven on earth that I've never seen. Then again, no one had really visited it, except in their dreams. So, I'll start saving my soul. I'll start dreaming of the life I want for myself. I'll try to collect the bits and pieces of a healthy life. I'll think of my own "Happy Thoughts." I'm going to "Believe." Maybe... just maybe... I'll find my internal Neverland that will grant me the right of living, the right to love, the right to be whole again...
.. N.O.H.A ..
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Once upon a time, in a far away Arabian land, there was a man called, Usama. He was widely known of his nobility and courage. His sword and his horse were his only best friends. Growing alone, he has been brought up by the local black smith, who taught him the arts of battle and showed him where dignity lies. Ever since Usama was a young boy, he had his eyes on Laila; she was the most beautiful princess anyone has ever seen. He knew he was not a man of wealth, nor he had the treasures for such royalty. However, he was determined to win her heart at any cost or under any circumstances, that life would ever bring him.
One day, the village messengers have crossed the entire village with one rewinding announcement, "Behold the King's most precious proposal, fellow citizens. If a man wishes to marry Princess Laila, he must pass this test. Whoever finds the lost necklace of the Princess will be announced as her Husband-to-be in a grand wedding ceremony, held under their honors.” The necklace belonged to Laila’s deceased mom. She received it as a gift, right after she turned 18.
Meanwhile, Usama was working in the workshop when he heard the message. He knew that this was his only chance to win. He looked everywhere; he spent days and nights searching for the necklace with no luck. One night, a young man visited Usama, and he was surprised of how he seemed to know him so well. The man asked for a custom-made sword with rhinestones and diamonds, requesting the name of Princess Laila to be carved on its hand. Somehow, Usama managed to get engaged, gathering the materials for the acquaintance.
A week passed by and Usama hasn’t done a thing about the necklace. He realized that it’s the last day for the challenge. Waking up, feeling sorry for the loss, and hoping for a miracle to be sent from above, Usama kept praying and praying and praying, but he didn’t realize that he had the necklace all along on his shelf. It’s Laila, who had visited him the week before, disguised as a man and asking him to shape his own sword for their wedding ceremony. As soon as he started working on the sword, the princess slipped into his room and placed the nechlace on his shelf for him to see… “Oh, I’m afraid of how blind he might be!” Laila thought to herself. “I pray to God for him to see, thine precious gift I brought to thee.”
Usama kept repeating his prayers as he started to get ready for opening the workshop for a new day. And, just when he was headed for the keys, he found Laila’s necklace just lying there. He couldn’t believe himself at first, but suddenly he remembered that it was the same day of the wedding ceremony. He did not care how it was placed on his shelf for the time being; he just grabbed the sword, carved with her name, and ran to the courtyard of the King’s palace. Thanking God on his way, Usama could not help but think of the old man who came to him the other day.
By that time, the ceremony has begun. The King has called for the man who has found the necklace to declare his presence. Then, Usama stepped forward, presented the necklace, and so the lost treasure was retrieved. Princess Laila stood up to greet Usama with a loving smile on her face, while the King took both their hands and blessed their commitment. Usama slowly handed the sword to Laila as a token of affection, and as soon as she saw it, he recognized that she was the one who came for the sword. He could not be happier of not only his bride, but also of knowing that she had feelings for him all this entire time.
Life’s gifts are like this ‘necklace’ .. They’re least expected when you’re living a hardship, yet miraculously presented when you are in desperate need. Try not to give up on finding love; just look around you and appreciate what you already have. Be grateful for what you’ve been given and make sure you cherish the ones who love you as long as they do.
.. N.O.H.A ..