Monday, November 29, 2010

Give it a Thought

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It's hard to utter any words anymore, specially what I feel inside .. Each day it becomes even harder for me to relate to the 'so called' normal people .. I find it very awkward .. In fact, I can't really feel comfortable around someone, unless he/she has a tragic issue going on .. It's pitiful, I know .. Yet, it's definitely undoable .. All my life I have reached for acceptance, for people to endure how I act, how I feel, how I speak, respond, interact .. But, I've never pretended to be something I'm not .. I've been proud of my painful experiences, my inner struggles, my overthinking, and my self-soothing manners ..

Believe it or not, I really don't know where it comes from .. The energy igniting my heart .. But, I sincerely thank God for it everyday .. It's what kept me alive all these years .. It makes a brand new day bearable .. Without this fire, I would certainly die .. Which is how I feel 75% of the time .. Yet, I always know there is more .. There has to be more .. Something will have to come up and save the day .. I've learnt that Nothing Stays The Same .. Or, am I losing it?!

I can't help but think, sometimes, of how my mom looks at me, all surprised .. I know she's thinking, "How could she live on her own like that? How does she manage to build her own bubble and live in it day and night? Why doesn't she need me like all kids do? Why doesn't she caress me like 'normal' girls? She must be cold-hearted bitch .. How is it possible for me to raise such a child?" .. I'm definitely a stranger to my surroundings, but a familiar to the ones who suffer as me .. You see, no one fully understands what I'm made of, why do I act this way, or how it's hard to mingle among them ..

I just wish I could relate to those who laugh their hearts out someday... To belong to something magical that lifts people's hearts and change them for the greater good .. I wish to conquer and to erase all the bad memories I had/have been having all these years .. But, it's maybe too late for me, still don't know about that .. I'll have to work it out .. That, I'm quite sure of ..

It wouldn't really matter if you relate to this post or not .. In fact, I would understand if you didn't .. Only those who have walked down my road, will be able to articulate my words .. At the end of the day, if no one did, then it wouldn't matter much either .. I'm doing this for me .. That was my aim in the first place .. I write 'cause I want to, not 'cause I have to!

This is me acting considerate, but not rude .. Give it a thought ..


.. N.O.H.A ..